Hip Hop! Hip... Hip Pop!

When pairing Jay Z with Betty White on SNL sounds like a good idea, something has changed in hip hop. Some people say that hip hop is dead. Many people malign the ever increasing trend of rappers to focus on record sales and material achievement over art and culture.

Today I briefly joined a conversation that was inspired by Dr. Cornel West talking about living and loving out loud. Dr. West and some of those commenting on his lecture were making the argument that hip hop needed to become a more positive force. This is not a new argument, and it is a popular one. I would argue that it is even a necessary one. However, I do not advocate the eradication of some sub-genres in hip hop.

I think everybody who makes the most of their opportunities to succeed in music, deserves all the rewards and applause that they receive. Far be it from me to label my preferred messengers acceptable, and admonish the message of others. Both Common and Soulja boy are necessary. Both Queen Latifah and the Queen Bee (Lil Kim) serve a function.

The only way that hip hop will die is if the human spirit dies. Only if we cease to embrace diversity and encourage creativity, will hip hop die. Only if inequality ends, if injustice ends, if suffering ends, will the voice of my generation end its oration. Hip hop is alive and well, driving our global societal evolution.

I think we need all representations of hip-hop. In differing proportions. The dominant message needs to transition toward uplifting, unifying, aspirational and away from self-centered, divisive, aspirational. The Capitalist rap can only take us so far, and if hip-hop (and those moving it) wants to remain the driving force of cultural change, it has an ethical obligation to drive responsibly.

Yes, hip hop is alive and well. I may not like everything that every artist puts out, but I can appreciate their efforts. For those ready to see a new season in hip hop... a season where the dominant message is peace and love, I say hold on. It's only been 30 years. The first wave of hip hop artists haven't even fully retired yet. Give it time. A better day soon comes.

J

There is a Hole in the Man

Something is missing in humans. There is something that keeps us searching for more, taking and taking only to be satiated briefly. Today I read that Lawrence Taylor, one of the greatest players to ever play the game of football (certainly the most dominating defensive end) is locked up on rape charges.

The article said that LT had a 16 year old girl brought to his New York hotel room by a pimp who picked the recent runaway girl up off the street. She had observable injuries to her face at the time and suffered additional injuries as she was allegedly beaten and raped by LT. I don't wish to convict him without trial, but I do want to draw attention to the fact that the man still seems to be searching for something. He's had his history of using cocaine, but this new allegation goes far beyond drug abuse.

I don't understand why someone with fame and money has to rape (Ben Rothlisberger). I don't understand for that matter why anyone does. If rape is about power more than sex, what makes wealthy, powerful, influential men rape? There must be a whole in the man.

There is a story told by a tribal elder in the movie Apocalypto (Great film! I suggest checking it out. I attached a clip below). The elder starts: "And a man sat alone. Drenched deep in sadness. And all the animals drew near to him and said: "We do not like to see you so sad... Ask us for whatever you wish and you shall have it." The man said: "I want to have good sight." The vulture replied: "You shall have mine." The man said: "I want to be strong." The jaguar said: "You shall be strong like me." Then the man said: "I long to know all the secrets of the earth." The serpent replied: "I will show them to you." And so it went with all the animals. And when the man had all the gifts they could give... he left. Then the owl said to the other animals: "Now the man knows much and is able to do many things... Suddenly I am afraid." The deer said: "The man has all that he needs. Now his sadness will stop." But the owl replied: "No. I saw a hole in the man... Deep like a hunger he will never fill... It is what makes him sad and what makes him want. He will go on taking and taking... Until one day the world will say: "I am no more and I have nothing left to give."

What can we do... when religion isn't enough... when drugs and alcohol are not enough... when esteem and wealth are not enough... when love is not enough? What can we do to fill the void at our center? Buy a new car, a new pair of shoes, or get some sexual gratification? No.

No. The answer to this, like many others, is inside. Look deep inside yourself and evaluate your being. Be not greedy. Know your desires, both acceptable and unacceptable. Give voice to them. Then eradicate them. Take only what comes righteously to you, and nothing more. Try to control the world and lose control of your soul. Seek contentment and bliss everlasting. Do your best to delay the inevitable filling up and depletion of your desires. Above all, see that in each moment you are complete, whole, and having everything you need.

J

Coping with Loss

This is dedicated to everyone who has recently experienced tremendous loss. I wish comfort soon comes.

Grieving and loss are among the most difficult feelings with which to cope. We can feel a sense of loss at the time of a loved ones death, or even at the loss of a job, relationship, status, and anything else that we can grow emotionally attached to.

Last week I posted something on ownership. I bring it back to that topic because their can be no sense of loss without their first being a sense of ownership. We must first believe that we can possess something in order to feel the loss of a thing.

The process of grieving (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, & Acceptance) seems universal in that we all experience these stages though not in identical ways or durations. Getting passed denial invites pain, but this is progress. Reality must set in, which is why we have ceremonies (e.g. funerals) that force us to face the reality. Anger may build after that. Anger at the lost object for going away, anger at God for taking it away, and anger at self for not being good enough to hold on are common issues. Remember that anger is a secondary emotion and that the real emotion is sadness. That will help you through this stage, and prevent your anger from influencing you toward negative (acting-out) behavior too much. Bargaining is a hopeful place, and hope is comforting, but accepting that there are no bargains that can be made that will return the lost object to you is the way forward. You can however bargain on your future. Depression feels miserable but it is a sign of tremendous growth and progress. Remember that it is always darkest just before day. Finally, you can accept what has happened and see a clearer path forward.

If we get to a place where we can accept that nothing is ever truly possessed by us, then we would no longer risk losing. As that outcome is unlikely for most of us, perhaps it is better to focus on how we cope with loss. Do the best you can to cope with loss. Lean on friends and family. Turn your loss into someone else's gain. Use the loss to fuel a change for the better in your life. When you are ready, get on passed your past and get on with the present looking forward to the future.

J

Principles of Time Travel

Time travel is possible. In fact, I am about to embark on a journey back to 2008 right now. I could explain my trip but instead I would rather spend this time talking about a way in which all of us time travel everyday.

Not many people are living currently, in the present. It seems that most people spend a lot of their time in the past. Their present thoughts and feelings are inextricably linked to past events. They approach the present and future as if whatever happened yesterday is certain to happen again today, and tomorrow. Some others spend much of their time in the future. Their primary concern is what will be.

Those that do live in the present, are the most content. They are removed from the entanglements of the past, their grieving its loss has ended, regrets no longer linger, and past successes are no longer the basis of their self-esteem. They do not worry about what if and what may come, but instead focus on what is. Living in the present allows you to function at your best in THE NOW.

It is advantageous at times to visit the past. This way you can correct past mistakes. It is also beneficial to branch into the future. This way you can plan and visualize goals to be achieved and anticipate possible obstacles so that you can prepare.

Sometimes you must go backward to go forward and other times going forward too far takes you back. Notwithstanding the benefits of time travel, the present, THE NOW, is where we are healthiest, most content, most stable, most secure, and alive.

J

Parable of the King and the Poisoned Well

Today's life line has to do with trail blazing, walking the road less traveled, and doing what is right despite the difficulty.

The following parable was written by an unknown author. There are several versions of it on the web and I have taken the liberty to adapt a version here for your consumption. Hope you enjoy.

THE KING & THE POISONED WELL

There was once a wise king who ruled over a vast kingdom. He was feared for his might and loved for his wisdom. Now in the heart of the city, there was a well with pure and crystalline waters from which the king and all the inhabitants drank. When all were asleep, three witches entered the city and poured seven drops of a strange liquid into the well. They said that henceforth all who drink this water shall become mad.

The next day, all the people drank of the water, but not the king. And the people began to say, "The king is mad and has lost his reason. Look how strangely he behaves. We cannot be ruled by a madman, so he must be dethroned."

The king grew very fearful, for his subjects were preparing to rise against him. He had a difficult choice: risk being destroyed by his beloved subjects or drink from the poisoned well and become mad like them. So that evening, he ordered a golden goblet to be filled from the well, and he drank deeply. The next day, there was great rejoicing among the people, for their beloved king had finally regained his reason.

--Author Unknown

How many times in your life have you allowed yourself to do what is ordinary for the sake of comfort? Some people drink poison every day just to fit in with the crowd.

Well they say that the path of the righteous is narrow and long. It is beset by all sorts of obstacles, barriers, and evils that threaten to knock you off of the path. If you value your social role, status, possessions, relationships, or even your own life more than righteousness, then you will go the way of the king in the parable. You will drink from the well again and again in life. However, if you will risk standing out, risk being different, risk it all for love of righteousness, there is a greater reward.

Let your light shine and dim it for no one and nothing. You only have one life to live and one chance to get it right.

J

Who is the Gatekeeper of Sex & Relationship

I have found that not many people are familiar with the creation story that contains Lilith. The story briefly goes: Before God gave Eve to Adam, He created Adam and Lilith together. Adam demanded to be on top (it is assumed while having sex, but perhaps figuratively meaning social status as well) and Lilith grew tired of his insistence. She flew out from under Adam and into the sky becoming a night flying dragon that took away the lives of infants and gave men night-time emissions (wet dreams). When God saw Adam all alone, He made Eve for him and Eve was submissive to Adam.

The ramifications of these early mythical man-woman interactions are visible in our modern day relationships. For whatever reason, we have yet to find balance in power. The best we can do it seems is to divide labor. But even our traditional ways of dividing labor have broken down, since the industrial revolution and women's liberation movement.

Someone very intelligent once told me that Women are the keepers of sex and men are the keepers of relationship. Their meaning was that while men may focus more on attaining sex, when and how sex occurs is left up to women. Similarly, as women may focus more on securing relationships, it is up to men to decide when and how a relationship begins. This principle has a lot of anecdotal support.

Though I can't help but wonder if the changes in social mores are changing these roles. Certainly this question is made more complicated by same-sex couples. In such cases, factors other than sex are more determinant. Perhaps the same is true for male-female relationships now that gender roles have shifted so much.

In a world where Adam is relating in new and perpetually shifting ways with Eve and Lilith, can anyone really say anymore what role a man and woman should play in relationship to one another? Does Adam prefer the power and independence of Lilith but the devotion of Eve? Does any one woman possess the characteristics of both Lilith and Eve? Would Lilith desire Adam, but reject his affection entirely for the sake of her independence and self-determination? Is Eve really the gatekeeper of sex?

How can we improve our epic struggle to nourish one another, and live in harmony?

J

Love Lenses

This post is a continuation of yesterday's Love is a Science post. I thought it was important to bring it closer to home with some human psychology.

The ways in which people fail to sustain loving relationships are many, but in general it is a matter of perspective taking that allows some relationships to succeed and causes others to fail.

In psychoanalytic self psychology there are two concepts that influence all human relationships: 1) the selfobject experience and 2) the repetitive dimensions perspectives.

The selfobject experience describes all of the vitalizing, uplifting, life sustaining, warm and yummy feelings we get from our interactions with significant others. It starts early in life when we have our earliest experiences with our initial caretakers. If initial caretakers are reliable, consistent, and on-time with meeting our infantile needs, we learn that others can be trusted and that the world is safe and predictable.

The repetitive dimensions concept describes all of the times that our initial caretakers were absent, unreliable, and did not adequately meet our needs. When that occurs, we learn to expect frustration and disappointment from significant others.

We all develop both the selfobject lens and repetitive dimensions lens in our early years, and we carry them forth into all of our relationships throughout life.

In the beginnings of love relationships we see our significant others through the selfobject lens. We tend to see all of the good, fulfilling, vitalizing functions they perform for us and we tend to block out any faults or shortcomings. During this phase of the relationship, we get most of what we want. Inevitably though a rupture must come. It can be a simple disappointment or slight. The more similar the issue is to the ways our early caretakers failed us, the stronger our reaction to it. At this point of rupture, we begin to see our romantic partner through the lens of repetitive dimensions. Now we pay more attention to their faults and shortcomings than we do the good things they provide. During this time in a relationship it becomes difficult to get what we want. We become more likely to be disappointed and frustrated in our relationship.

The sad thing about this process is that both lenses are made of funhouse glass. What we perceive in the person we are with through these lenses are a distortions of their true self (which more realistically is a mixture of desirable and undesirable traits).

As I suggested in Love is a Science, each person has the ability to adapt and adjust so that love can be maintained. Focusing on what you get out of being with someone rather than what you are not getting from someone makes people more content in their loving relationships. When the inevitable ruptures come, it is necessary for the affected person to reach into their breast pocket and pull back out their selfobject lenses as soon as possible.

This in no way is meant to suggest that all relationships should last. Some people are just too toxic and some are sociopaths bent on destroying others. But it may support an argument that all love relationships can last.

Remember that just as you flip flop your lenses and move in and out of love with your partner, they are subject to their own flippity flops as well. Patience and communication (fueled by self-awareness) are the keys to mastering Love.

J