Me. We.

A woman eloquently said to me this past weekend that in order to make a relationship work, "you have to know who you are." Her words struck me as common sense; something I have heard a million times before. So I thought, if the answers are so simple, why do so many relationships fail?

What I have found is that it is not for a lack of solutions that our relationships fail. It is not for a lack of answers that we find disharmony in interpersonal interactions. It is not from a lack of know-how, but rather a lack of faith, commitment, and inner peace that our human relationships plummet, disintegrate, and fail to go on.

But everything I mentioned also sounds mundane, ordinary, and commonsensical. Nothing I can say with words will open anyone's eyes to gain new insights that will save their relationships. So since it is not due to a lack of knowledge, perhaps it is due to having flawed knowledge.

"In order to make a relationship work you have to know who you are," she said. Well, who are we? Muhammad Ali wrote a poem that answers that question. His poem earned him inclusion in the Guinness Book of World Records for the shortest poem. His poem was simply as follows: "Me. We."

The premise that I am you and you are me has also been stated by many and seems to be supported by many. It is supported every time a mother feels her child's hunger as her own. It is supported every time a man sits beside a hospital bed and discovers that the pain in the room is also in him. We know this premise is true. We simply refuse to live by what we know. That is the flawed knowledge.

We study the other person like a stranger we must manage, instead of a self we must honor. We keep score against the very person we promised to keep. Then we call the wreckage a mystery, as if we do not know why relationships fail.

They fail because we know who we are wrongly. We think we are only "Me." But Ali's whole poem is two words, and the second word corrects the first. You are not complete at "Me." You were made for "We."

Faith believes the "We" is real before the feelings prove it. Commitment stays with the "We" when "Me" would rather run. Inner peace makes a man quiet enough inside to hear another person at all. Without these, no technique will save you, because technique in the hands of a stranger is only strategy, and strategy is what enemies use.

So who are you? Answer carefully. If you are only you, then every relationship you enter is a negotiation between opponents. But if there is truth in "Me. We," then the person across from you is not your opponent. They are your evidence.

When your relationship is failing, do not first ask what you do not know. Ask what you have forgotten. Have you forgotten who you are?

J.

References

Buber, M. (1970). I and thou (W. Kaufmann, Trans.). Charles Scribner's Sons. (Original work published 1923)

Hauser, T. (1991). Muhammad Ali: His life and times. Simon & Schuster.