Friday, April 30, 2010

Principles of Time Travel


Time travel is possible. In fact, I am about to embark on a journey back to 2008 right now. I could explain my trip but instead I would rather spend this time talking about a way in which all of us time travel everyday.

Not many people are living currently, in the present. It seems that most people spend a lot of their time in the past. Their present thoughts and feelings are inextricably linked to past events. They approach the present and future as if whatever happened yesterday is certain to happen again today, and tomorrow. Some others spend much of their time in the future. Their primary concern is what will be.

Those that do live in the present, are the most content. They are removed from the entanglements of the past, their grieving its loss has ended, regrets no longer linger, and past successes are no longer the basis of their self-esteem. They do not worry about what if and what may come, but instead focus on what is. Living in the present allows you to function at your best in THE NOW.

It is advantageous at times to visit the past. This way you can correct past mistakes. It is also beneficial to branch into the future. This way you can plan and visualize goals to be achieved and anticipate possible obstacles so that you can prepare.

Sometimes you must go backward to go forward and other times going forward too far takes you back. Notwithstanding the benefits of time travel, the present, THE NOW, is where we are healthiest, most content, most stable, most secure, and alive.

J

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Parable of the King and the Poisoned Well


Today's life line has to do with trail blazing, walking the road less traveled, and doing what is right despite the difficulty.

The following parable was written by an unknown author. There are several versions of it on the web and I have taken the liberty to adapt a version here for your consumption. Hope you enjoy.

THE KING & THE POISONED WELL
There was once a wise king who ruled over a vast kingdom. He was feared for his might and loved for his wisdom. Now in the heart of the city, there was a well with pure and crystalline waters from which the king and all the inhabitants drank. When all were asleep, three witches entered the city and poured seven drops of a strange liquid into the well. They said that henceforth all who drink this water shall become mad.

The next day, all the people drank of the water, but not the king. And the people began to say, "The king is mad and has lost his reason. Look how strangely he behaves. We cannot be ruled by a madman, so he must be dethroned."

The king grew very fearful, for his subjects were preparing to rise against him. He had a difficult choice: risk being destroyed by his beloved subjects or drink from the poisoned well and become mad like them. So that evening, he ordered a golden goblet to be filled from the well, and he drank deeply. The next day, there was great rejoicing among the people, for their beloved king had finally regained his reason.

--Author Unknown

How many times in your life have you allowed yourself to do what is ordinary for the sake of comfort? Some people drink poison every day just to fit in with the crowd.

Well they say that the path of the righteous is narrow and long. It is beset by all sorts of obstacles, barriers, and evils that threaten to knock you off of the path. If you value your social role, status, possessions, relationships, or even your own life more than righteousness, then you will go the way of the king in the parable. You will drink from the well again and again in life. However, if you will risk standing out, risk being different, risk it all for love of righteousness, there is a greater reward.

Let your light shine and dim it for no one and nothing. You only have one life to live and one chance to get it right.

J

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Who is the Gatekeeper of Sex & Relationship


I have found that not many people are familiar with the creation story that contains Lilith. The story briefly goes: Before God gave Eve to Adam, He created Adam and Lilith together. Adam demanded to be on top (it is assumed while having sex, but perhaps figuratively meaning social status as well) and Lilith grew tired of his insistence. She flew out from under Adam and into the sky becoming a night flying dragon that took away the lives of infants and gave men night-time emissions (wet dreams). When God saw Adam all alone, He made Eve for him and Eve was submissive to Adam.

The ramifications of these early mythical man-woman interactions are visible in our modern day relationships. For whatever reason, we have yet to find balance in power. The best we can do it seems is to divide labor. But even our traditional ways of dividing labor have broken down, since the industrial revolution and women's liberation movement.

Someone very intelligent once told me that Women are the keepers of sex and men are the keepers of relationship. Their meaning was that while men may focus more on attaining sex, when and how sex occurs is left up to women. Similarly, as women may focus more on securing relationships, it is up to men to decide when and how a relationship begins. This principle has a lot of anecdotal support.

Though I can't help but wonder if the changes in social mores are changing these roles. Certainly this question is made more complicated by same-sex couples. In such cases, factors other than sex are more determinant. Perhaps the same is true for male-female relationships now that gender roles have shifted so much.

In a world where Adam is relating in new and perpetually shifting ways with Eve and Lilith, can anyone really say anymore what role a man and woman should play in relationship to one another? Does Adam prefer the power and independence of Lilith but the devotion of Eve? Does any one woman possess the characteristics of both Lilith and Eve? Would Lilith desire Adam, but reject his affection entirely for the sake of her independence and self-determination? Is Eve really the gatekeeper of sex?

How can we improve our epic struggle to nourish one another, and live in harmony?

J

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Love Lenses


This post is a continuation of yesterday's Love is a Science post. I thought it was important to bring it closer to home with some human psychology.

The ways in which people fail to sustain loving relationships are many, but in general it is a matter of perspective taking that allows some relationships to succeed and causes others to fail.

In psychoanalytic self psychology there are two concepts that influence all human relationships: 1) the selfobject experience and 2) the repetitive dimensions perspectives.

The selfobject experience describes all of the vitalizing, uplifting, life sustaining, warm and yummy feelings we get from our interactions with significant others. It starts early in life when we have our earliest experiences with our initial caretakers. If initial caretakers are reliable, consistent, and on-time with meeting our infantile needs, we learn that others can be trusted and that the world is safe and predictable.

The repetitive dimensions concept describes all of the times that our initial caretakers were absent, unreliable, and did not adequately meet our needs. When that occurs, we learn to expect frustration and disappointment from significant others.

We all develop both the selfobject lens and repetitive dimensions lens in our early years, and we carry them forth into all of our relationships throughout life.

In the beginnings of love relationships we see our significant others through the selfobject lens. We tend to see all of the good, fulfilling, vitalizing functions they perform for us and we tend to block out any faults or shortcomings. During this phase of the relationship, we get most of what we want. Inevitably though a rupture must come. It can be a simple disappointment or slight. The more similar the issue is to the ways our early caretakers failed us, the stronger our reaction to it. At this point of rupture, we begin to see our romantic partner through the lens of repetitive dimensions. Now we pay more attention to their faults and shortcomings than we do the good things they provide. During this time in a relationship it becomes difficult to get what we want. We become more likely to be disappointed and frustrated in our relationship.

The sad thing about this process is that both lenses are made of funhouse glass. What we perceive in the person we are with through these lenses are a distortions of their true self (which more realistically is a mixture of desirable and undesirable traits).

As I suggested in Love is a Science, each person has the ability to adapt and adjust so that love can be maintained. Focusing on what you get out of being with someone rather than what you are not getting from someone makes people more content in their loving relationships. When the inevitable ruptures come, it is necessary for the affected person to reach into their breast pocket and pull back out their selfobject lenses as soon as possible.

This in no way is meant to suggest that all relationships should last. Some people are just too toxic and some are sociopaths bent on destroying others. But it may support an argument that all love relationships can last.

Remember that just as you flip flop your lenses and move in and out of love with your partner, they are subject to their own flippity flops as well. Patience and communication (fueled by self-awareness) are the keys to mastering Love.

J

Monday, April 26, 2010

Love is a Science


Everyone has their own personal understanding of love. For some, being in love means being willing to sacrifice their own life, identity, and ambition. For others, being in love is a romantic idea of feeling love and sharing their life with someone. For still others, love is merely the chemical reactions in the brain that cause euphoria and a general sense of well-being. The lists go on and on.

I do not dispute the validity of any of these conceptions of love. However today, I want to offer a more universal and scientific explanation of love. I hope that it is useful and people can love better, wiser, and receive love in a manner that is more abundant and reliable than ever before.

Love is scientific. There is certainly the neurological aspect of love that affirms this claim. There is a certain special chemical cocktail cooked up by our brains that elicits the feeling of love. Through our associations of a person with this entirely internal chemical reaction, we come to believe that we are in love with that person. If that person does things that no longer elicit that feeling we can quickly fall out of love. But that is not all there is to love.

There are many types of love; the type between a parent and child, two consenting adults, puppy love, brotherly or sisterly love, etc. But at the base of it all, love is a consensus. If we reduce the complicated human interactions in love to their basic and universal unit, love is a consensus.

There are only three ways in which anything in the universe can interact: 1) they can pass (seemingly) like ships in the night without any easily observable recognition of one or the other. 2) they can collide destroying one or both parties to varying degrees. 3) they can coalesce, come together and become something new. This third possible interaction is what love is. It is a consensus to make something brand new.

The problem with love is that once these distinct entities join to make something new, entropy begins immediately and the new system starts to break down, just as the moon has been moving away from the Earth since it was created. At some point, the Earth will no longer exert such a gravitational effect on our moon and the moon will drift out of orbit. So love is hard to maintain due to entropy.

When objects gain or lose mass, gain or lose velocity, or change in their magnetic properties love is endangered. How that works for people is that we seem to grow apart. Below are some examples:

1. If one person gains mass (i.e. they get fat, earn more money, increased the size of their social network, etc.) the other person must either increase their velocity, mass, or magnetism in order to sustain the loving relationship. If they do not, the more massive ego's gravitational 'pull' (so to speak) will become inescapable and draw them in closer and closer until they were no longer distinct from the more massive person's ego; losing their individual identity. The other probability is that they would be hurled crashing into the more massive person and likely be destroyed by them.

2. If one person in a loving relationship gains velocity (i.e. they travel a lot, they don't sit still often, their emotions fluctuate rapidly, etc.) it is incumbent upon the other person to either speed up, gain mass, or increase their own magnetism. Or else the love will be ended. The slower person will be flung off, deserted into space and seeming isolation.

3. If one person's magnetism is increased (i.e. they become more attractive to others on the outside of the relationship) the other person will have to avoid colliding with the other people being drawn in. They will have to work hard to escape that person's pull so that they are not drawn into a collision and destroyed or caused to destroy the other.

Change is the only constant in the universe and if you are not flexible you cannot sustain love. If you are not willing to move away, grow, speed up or slow down, do whatever adaptations necessary to maintain love, you only have yourself to blame. Adaptation and adjustment are key to delay the inevitable disintegration of love. But you must maintain your integrity.

The primary principle in sustaining love is self-evolution. Push yourself and your partner to change for their own betterment, not for your own self-interest. Be wise in your adjustments and never force cohesion for fear of turning love to hate. Do not allow yourself to be lost in love or you will find yourself lacking love. Your only concern must be sustaining love no matter what distance comes between you. Know that love can overcome space and time.

And if possible, love infinitely, love strategically, and love without conditions.

J

Friday, April 23, 2010

Put off putting off


Every single day we put things off. We let things go. Sometimes its an unimportant task and other times a high priority. Usually when we procrastinate on high priority things, our deepest vulnerabilities are exposed.

Often it is fear that holds us back. Sometimes the fear is carried by our insecurities and doubts about our potential for success. Other times it is the very fear of succeeding and facing the next challenge.

Sometimes we put off moving forward because we are still so attached to the past.

Today, I want us to do something that we mean to do but, for whatever reason, we have been putting off. For instance, Obama could stop putting off addressing directly the needs of African Americans and all Black people. Congress could stop putting off enacting health care reform and immigration reform. Drug addicts can stop putting off kicking. Paramours can stop putting off loving truly. Students can cease procrastinating their studies. Christians can stop putting off Christ.

Today is a good day to put off putting off.

J

Thursday, April 22, 2010

I Own You!


I will not speculate now on when the idea got started, nor about who started it, but the concept of ownership may be one of the most detrimental constructions in human history.

I know at some point in our history we were more collectivistic, tribalistic, and group oriented. Hunters hunted to feed the whole group. Gatherers gathered to feed the whole group. The only property we knew in those times was life. We protected our lives and the lives of loved ones.

Perhaps it was the start of agriculture that stimulate proprietary strivings. However it seems from African and Native American accounts that they were able to farm without adopting a sense of ownership of the land.

How did we get to the point that Imperialists from Europe felt so entitled that they could export colonialism throughout the world taking land, resources, and lives from indigenous people? How did we get to the point that we believed we could own land that existed long before we were born and even before modern humans existed?

Clearly by the time the Book of Genesis was written we had become such proprietary beings as it describes that God gave humans dominion over the land and the creatures of the Earth. We began naming everything and shaping the world to suit our egocentric purposes.

The concept of ownership gave birth to war, jealousy, revenge, envy, selfishness, and greed. Our belief that we can own anything has led us to bind one another as slaves. It has caused us to beat our spouses and children. It has even caused us to lay our proprietary claims on God. For instance, "My God is the one true God."

Humans have laid claim to the land and the seas. All of the Earth is now on someone's ledger. If you are not the owner, you have to pay to have access. You have to pay for food that comes from and that roams the ground. We have to pay for electricity and water. People claim to own the skies. We have planted flags in the moon and would do the same if we could get to another planet. Even that which you think you own, like your home for instance, can be taken away if you do not pay your taxes or if the government desires it.

The truth is... You don't own jack! We would be better off if we returned to the understanding that we are only a part of the larger system. We cannot own other distinct parts of the system and they cannot own us. The best we can do is live in harmony with our surroundings.

The next time you start to feel these undesirable emotions, or find yourself engaged in any of the aforementioned activities, ask yourself how it is possible to own anything. All that is provided us can be taken away in an instant. Objects bring us comfort and security, so it is understandable that we do not want to relinquish them. But it is an illusion that we ever possessed them to begin with. In the end, it is our clinging to objects that brings us pain and threatens our saftey.

J

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Marriage Disparaged


I believe that human social evolution has outgrown our traditional concept of marriage. The evidence of this is abundant.

More than half of American marriages end in divorce. Between 1970 and 2000, the proportion of American women who were divorced more than doubled. The majority of divorce petitions are filed by women.

Seems strange that women seek divorce more than men, and arguably seek marriage more as well. What's that about?

The reasons for getting divorced match the reasons for getting married (e.g. financial, sexual, child rearing, love, etc.).

American marriages last longer when the woman grew up with both parents, find religion important in their lives, have a high family income, live in a community with high median income, low male unemployment, and low poverty. These same factors increase the duration of cohabitating relationships as well.

I believe it is elements of our social evolution that has caused us to outgrow the old concept of marriage and necessitates that we adapt to a new. The social revolutions of the 50's, 60's, 70's, & 80's changed the social landscape. The civil rights movement, women's liberation movement, and LGBTQIA movement increased the number of relationship options.

Now we have more interracial marriages than ever in American history and they are more socially accepted then ever. Sex before marriage and cohabitation are more prevalent and less taboo. Marriage is no longer only between a man and a woman. More than half of marriages have one or both partners cheating. Polygamy is on the rise. Our sexual liberation has played havoc with the balance maintained by marriages of old. As a result, we must broaden our concept of marriage.

I do not advocate that we slow down and go back to the old ways. I think we are past any point of return. I'm not sure that the good old days were all that they are cracked up to be. I'm waiting to see how far we take it. Seeing something on its way to a destination, finally arrive at its destination, has never frightened me. In fact, it has only delighted me.

I wish good luck to all those doing the traditional marriage. You are truly blessed if you maintain it. Married people are the happiest, healthiest, longest living, and least likely to commit suicide people in the world.

But the odds are stacked against you. That is why I advocate a change from the traditional death do you part marriage, to a contract where the parties negotiate terms periodically. Then you can get married for as long or as short as you are comfortable and you already have a manual for staying married and for getting divorced. It is a living document that you can alter every month, quarter, year, whenever you agree to.

This relationship contract is complex in practice but in my experience it has proven effective in improving communication and follow-through for couples.

J

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The World is not Flat!


There once was a time that people believed the Earth was flat. It was a major paradigm shift when people began to think that the Earth was round. Now with satellite pictures from space, the evidence is incontrovertible that the Earth is round. However advanced our modern technology is, there are other outmoded beliefs that have not yet been supplanted by more evolved understanding.

We still believe there is such a thing as race. We still think that war can bring peace. We still believe that an eye for an eye is just. We still think that life may not start at conception. We still believe that things are either nature or nurture and not a combination of both. The list goes on and on and there are people on both sides of the arguments making valid points.

The other day I had a conversation with one of my brothers. We were complaining about ants, mosquitoes, and pollen. These are issues everyone in the South can relate to. Somehow the conversation turned to whether insects and trees have feelings. My brother argued that only people had feelings because only people had souls and only people have free will. He later extended his claim to include some other animals.

I suggested that perhaps anything with life has a soul. I said that anything that lives and dies has a soul. I added that if something can defend itself it should count as a sentient being. Then I decided to polarize the discussion further by suggesting that even inanimate objects have souls. I said that the motorcycle contained the spirit of the horse. I said that the airplane had the spirit of the bird. My brother politely disagreed.

As I went further out to the extreme, I began to consider bigger things. I asked my brother if he believed that the Earth itself had a consciousness, had feelings, free will, and a soul. He said no. I asked, "Why not? The Earth had a birth and eventually will die. It breathes through its seasons. It defends itself in many ways. It certainly seems to have moods. Why not?"

While my brother seemed to find interest in my theory, he still did not agree. I followed this conversation up with some friends with nearly the same results. People believe their pets have souls because they have observed their emotions. But anything that does not emote in a manner similar to humans (tears, smiles, facial expressions) is not thought of as having a soul.

It fascinates me that people can be so egocentric. It is as if we believe we are separate and better than the rest of nature. Even when I provide examples of plants showing emotion and free will (e.g., drooping leaves or flower petals, bending and stretching to go toward sunlight, and responding to human touch, human voices, and music), people reject the notion that they are the same as us.

It also fascinates me that people can be so self-contradictory. The very same people who would deny that a car has a soul, have given their cars names and talk to them, and they talk about them as though they have emotions and free will (e.g., "She just doesn't like to start in the cold. She hates it when I accelerate too fast.").

If God is omnipresent, omnipotent, and omniscient, then God must be everywhere, influencing everything, and knowing everything all the time. If God is in all things then all things have spirit.

I am not suggesting that we should start praying to rocks. I am merely suggesting that we should re-examine our beliefs about the world around us. Perhaps we would have more respect for nature if we acted like we saw God in all things. Perhaps we would have more love for ourselves if we could see our divine spark.

J

Monday, April 19, 2010

U.S. Race Wars



Have race relations begun to slip in the United States? Has the pendulum begun to swing back? There are enough recent events to suggest that our interracial progress as a society has peaked and is now seeing a plummet.

With the election of a Black president, many people (including myself) felt proud about the progress our country has made in our race relations. Some would like to think that our nation's historic racial problems are in the past. While we have made progress, there is still far to go. The signs of progress have not come without a backlash.

There has been a 15% increase in hate groups on the internet. White militias have increased activity and enrollment. There are racist remarks being hurled at elected officials as they walk on Capitol Hill. It doesn't seem a mere coincidence that these events come at a time when the citizens of the United States have elected their first Black president.

Even the NFL can be cited for its unequal treatment in recent years of Black and White athletes. It is well known that many NFL players have had legal troubles. None are more frequently sensationalized as those of Black players. Perhaps the Black players with legal problems get more public and media scrutiny because they tend to be higher up on the athletic totem. Michael Vick, Pacman Jones, and Plaxico Burress are among the Black players that have faced legal problems and resulting sanctions from the league. They are marquee players among the best at their positions. While Burress and Vick were both convicted and subsequently incarcerated, Pacman Jones was only sentenced to probation after a foolish drunken squirmish. However, Pacman Jones was suspended from the league for a whole year, had his reputation destroyed, and has yet to be picked up by an NFL team.

Race relations in the NFL (and more specifically, Roger Goodell's fair treatment of players across racial lines) will now have a serious test as a marquee White player (Ben Rothlisberger) stands accused of 3 Sexual Assaults.

I am a fan of Big Ben. We are both Miami U alums. I have cheered him on in superbowl successes. Ben is not being prosecuted for the 3 rape allegations, but there are shady circumstances surrounding the dropped charges. Missing security tapes and removal of evidence make Ben seem like he may be guilty. I don't write this because I want to see him suspended from the league. I do believe that he should be treated at least equally to Pacman Jones.

Pacman was accused of abusing alcohol and fighting in public. He was accused of being associated with people who committed crimes. But none of Pacman's accusations were as severe and abhorrent as rape. Neither Pacman or Ben Rothlisberger were incarcerated for crimes but both faced being sanctioned by the league for violating personal conduct policy.

For violating the NFL's personal conduct policy, Mike Vick was suspended indefinitely by Roger Goodell. His suspension ultimately lasted for two years while he served prison time for dog fighting. Plaxico Buress was suspended for the two years he had to spend in jail for shooting himself in the leg in a club (criminal possession of a weapon). Pacman Jones was suspended for over a year and a half for numerous off-field behavior problems. He didn't make it through his first season back without getting a 4 game suspension for fighting with his bodyguard. Based on these precedents, shouldn't Big Ben get at least a 4 game suspension?

Roger Goodell has announced that Rothlisberger violated the personal conduct policy of the NFL, but states that he will not disclose when he plans to rule on any suspension.

So what will Goodell do. The public is watching and so are the players. We want to know if the NFL that is dominated by Black athletes, treats those athletes fairly.

Dog fighting, 'Cheddar Bob' shooting your own dumbass self in the leg, disorderly conduct, and Rape. What would you do if you were Goodell? Do you think there is a racial disparity in legal and organizational policy?

J

Friday, April 16, 2010

Just Riding the Wave Baby

Life has its ups and downs, and it can be confusing, unnerving, and crazy-making. It may be difficult to know what to do when you're being tossed. Things may seem out of your control. To get an understanding of what to do in difficult situations, we often reference some model or manual. The Bible uses metaphor exquisitely to teach people how to live through such trials, through Old Testament stories and Jesus' New Testament parables. Recently, I have found it helpful to use my own wave metaphor.

Imagine life is a wave. The entire span of a human life would rise and fall just as a wave on the ocean. The wave is affected by the winds that change constantly and the gravity of the moon. Depending on where and when you were born, your wave may be high or low. You may have a surf board, a jet ski, or a boat. You may not have a vehicle to ride on at all. But still we all have to ride our respective waves.

Now when people ask me how I am doing, rather than saying fine, I say "I'm just ridin the wave, Baby." Metaphor allows us to detach from the difficult emotions that arise when life's weather gets rough. The wave metaphor minimizes the 'little packets of disappointment' (as my favorite Rock band, One Trick Pony, puts it) that we all endure. It doesn't get rid of them, but it shifts our focus from them, forcing us to pay attention to the way we're riding the wave.

If you don't focus on your riding, you are liable to crash. Go too slow or stop for too long and risk having the waves ride you instead of the other way around. Some people ride well and they know that it's good to look good riding. Some see the near wipeouts as the most fun part of the ride and others see near wipeouts as precursors to the ultimate wipeout. Some people ride their wave all the way into shore and others fall off and drown.

My advice to you is that you ride your wave, ride it fast and brave. Don't let your fear of falling inhibit you. Do whatever tricks your creative capacity can envision. Try your best not to knock nearby riders off of their waves, and if you have people riding your wave with you, work cooperatively with them so that everyone has a chance to shine. Lastly, and above all, enjoy the excitement!

Have a great weekend!
J

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Be Careful of Your Thoughts


Most people don't know this but emotions only last 8 seconds on average. That means you have a chance to change your mood and your day every few breaths you take. So when you are depressed, angry, or happy all day, it is because for most of that day you have fed that particular emotion again and again with thoughts and experiences that evoke the emotion. This is how you establish a mood.

An unknown author wrote:
"Be careful of your thoughts, for your thoughts become your words.

Be careful of your words, for your words become your actions.

Be careful of your actions, for your actions become your habits.

Be careful of your habits, for your habits become your character.

Be careful of your character, for your character becomes your destiny."

This verse illustrates how each and every moment of the day and every action we take is valuable. They set up patterns for our experiences and the more ingrained the pattern, the more difficult it becomes to change.

Similar to the above verse, you should be careful what you think, for your thoughts become ideas. Be careful of your ideas, for they become beliefs. Be careful of your beliefs, for they become expectations. Be careful of your expectations, for your expectations shape your reality.

Our destinies are in our hands. If we allow more than a brief moment to be gripped by misery, it is like committing ourselves to a miserable destiny (if only for a moment). It is human and advantageous to be able to experience a wide range of emotion, but remember that emotions only last about as long as 4 heartbeats on their own. If you have negative emotions, it is up to you to limit their duration. If you have positive emotions, it is your responsibility to sustain them.

Nobody can make you feel a certain way. It is your choice to feel how you feel. Similarly, nobody can change the way you feel. It is up to you to change it. The choice is yours.

J

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

PSA: Conservative White Men on Endangered Species List


It is important for us all to get involved. The conservative (wealthy) White man faces extinction in the 21st century. If we don't act now it will be too late, and this planet cannot afford to lose him.

It is not a physical extinction that I am speaking of, but an extinction of a sociocultural identity. The extinction of the conservative White male is being precipitated by the election of America's first Black president. This historical event symbolized the massive fissure between the ideology of conservative White men and the majority of Americans.

They are bewildered and scorned by the women's rights, gay rights, and civil rights movements. They sense the loss of power and privilege in the political arena, business, and at home. They mourn the loss of their stranglehold on American perceptions and there ability to shape themselves into heroes. There are no more Robert E. Lees. John Wayne is replaced now by Brad Pitt. It is this trend toward extinction that has some scrambling for lifelines. For instance, Professor Lionel Tiger from Rutgers and many others are trying to arouse support and interest for the development of Male studies courses in college.

Conservative White males are rightfully fearful as they see their way of life eroding continuously. Some of them have watched their sons become hip hop heads and seen their daughters become intimate with men of a darker hue. Some have seen their progeny totally rebel against them and become liberal thinkers. The old conservative White male social order is dying. Just as it died in the end of the 18th century when the British Empire outlawed slavery in its colonies. Just as it died in America at the end of the civil war. And again in the 60's. As it died in South Africa in 1994 with the ending of apartheid and the election of Nelson Mandela. The minority rule status quo that these men established through racism, sexism, colonialism, and capitalism has ended. South Africa has never been the same and neither will the United States.

These conservative White men made a choice during the civil rights era (40s, 50s, & 60s) that was to draw a line and not budge. It was their unsophisticated solution to the problem of tipping scales in the balance of power. While the rest of society evolves, adapting to sociocultural-political changes, the conservative White men have relentlessly adhered to outdated principles. Some even cling to a hope that the south shall rise again.

If our entire ecosystem is threatened by the extinction of honey bees, imagine the ripple effects of losing conservative White males. My Philadelphia source (D) said, "If action is not taken immediately, we may soon see a time where the government is going to have to step in and create some land preserves for the endangered conservative White man." Kind of the way the NBA stepped in and instituted the 3-point shot so White boys could continue to compete.

These conservative White men serve a vital function in society. They keep us all grounded, they test our sanity, and keep something stirring to inspire poetry, music, literature and human expression of all kinds. The loss of the conservative White man would be as catastrophic for humanity as their presence has been.

I urge everyone to help. It is up to us to make this world a safer place for conservative White men. They are afraid people. Their fear is manifest in their severe behavior problems (i.e. corporate fraud, grifting, starting wars with people they don't know how to beat, treason, threatening coups, involvement with alcohol and other drugs, involvement with weapons, relationship problems and aggression). Their problem behaviors serve a function, that is to use desperate acts (and some very well calculated acts) to maintain their grip on power, though they are being washed away by a more powerful, more evolved majority.

Let them know they are not alone. We each must do our part.

J

What are you afraid of?

Yesterday I wrote about social anxiety. I shared the fact that it is the fastest growing disorder in America. Today, I want you to think about what you are most afraid of. If you are comfortable sharing, tell the readers of this blog what it is that really scares you.

Nelson Mandela quoted Marianne Williamson in his '94 presidential inauguration:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~ Marianne Williamson ('92 Return to Love).

J

Monday, April 12, 2010

American People Not Comfortable in Our Own Skin


Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) is America's fastest growing psychological disorder. In other words, more and more people are becoming afraid of one another every day. What are Americans so paranoid about? Why aren't we comfortable in our own skin?

Why do we worry so often, especially when we think about going somewhere to do something that we want or feel compelled to do? Do we think we will be judged? What gives us this idea? Are the people we interact with each day really dangerous; really judging us harshly?

On the other hand, there are a LOT of haters. There are people who actively seek to cut people off, stand in their way, or slip the carpet out from under them. But how did haters get this way? Were they just born hateful little shits with bad temperments? Or did they grow into their hating ways?

The answer to the nature/nurture argument is both. Haters are born with a certain temperment of trust/distrust of others and they cultivate their innate temperment through interpersonal interactions throughout their lifespan.

What I am wondering today is..., Are we worrying because of the haters out there? Aren't we hating on people when we worry that they are haters? If I stop worrying, will the hatin' stop?

If the opposite of hate is love, then I wonder what's love got to do with it? I think perhaps we hate on each other because we can't love one another as fully as we would like. So as much as we want to love on them and we are somehow prohibited, we have an equivalent desire to hate on them.

Some examples:

This girl from college that I affectionately nicknamed C-Murder had the best legs in school. The rest of her only got better. Me and my friends hated on her each and every time we saw her. If we actually talked to her, we would be nice and charming, humorous perhaps. But as soon as that conversation ended, we would get right back to hatin'.
Things we would say: "Look at C-Murder over there murderin' 'em! Why is she gonna wear those tight ass pants in the dining hall like that (SOHs)? I can't stand her." Then the group resonates with convulsive verbalizations, "Fuck her." "I hate her too." "She is sick." And what we would really be feeling is a frustrated desire for her.

Another...

Straight guys can't sit around complimenting one another and being affectionate. The closer friends we become the more we cut on each other. Come to love one another and you might have a fight.
But why can't men be more real with one another? Why do brothers feel awkward hugging so, that they pass on the opportunity more than they take the chance to receive love. Answer: Homophobia

As a psychologist, I have seen people who can't be around other people or even think about other people without pour sweat from their hands and feet. I have seen people with irritable bowels. However people manifest their anxiety, one thing is consistent... Avoidance.

Avoidance is a common symptom to us all. We try to avoid what we fear. And socially... As one of my boys recently said about going out with his wife, "We just don't do well going out around people." The thing about avoiding is that while you avoid the undesired events, you also avoid the desired event. There was a reason that going out was even on the table to begin with.

The most effective treatment for anxiety is exposure. I encourage everyone to expose yourself today. (Disclaimer: This in no way advocates anyone doing there best Erykah Badu impression). But take whatever closeness to some other person or people that you have been avoiding and expose yourself to it.

When listen to Frank Sinatra sing I Got You Under My Skin, I get the desire to have someone that close to me that its like they are under my skin. If I am not comfortable in that skin myself, I am unlikely to invite another.
J

Friday, April 9, 2010

Brave New World


Yesterday I wrote about our problem as a nation talking about racism; slavery. A friend asked me to follow up that discussion, sharing what I believe we should learn from slavery. My affection for this friend alone compels my words now, for it is not a pleasant treasure for which I am about to dig.

The legacy of our nations most egregious offense against humanity breathes its oily breath into sleeping babes cradles, scented with Colt 45 and cheap cognac. The legacy of slavery screams from blood soaked prison cells, and the hopeless wails of caged birds in hell. The heart of the legacy of slavery beats in each man and woman on Earth, as we are all beneficiaries of the blood and sweat shed by countless unfortunate souls. It feeds like bacteria on our dustborn flesh. It's footsteps languish, lingering in our blood.

It is visible as though no time has passed since the abolition of slavery in the fear of Black men walking down the street. It can be seen in every clinched purse, shifted gaze, rejected employment application, and the general distrust of our nation's first Black president.

Yes, the ripples continue to ebb and flow.

My friend asked me what lesson I thought there was to be learned from slavery. The best answer I can come up with is that even from the worst of conditions the greatest and most beautiful things may spring forth. I am proud to say I live in America. I feel blessed to be living in an era where the culture of African descendants has permeated dominant culture. I am proud to be fulfilling the dreams of my predecessors.

Certainly, my words here do not complete this discussion but it is all I can muster at this time. Besides, this is not a discussion that can be completed by a lone blogger and not in a single sitting. The continuation of this discussion I leave to you.

J

Africans to Blame for Slavery

The Governor of Virginia , Bob McDonnell, issued a proclamation that re-makes April as Confederate History month. He failed to even mention slavery in his speech and has come under fire for it. The AP reported that President Obama said, "I don't think you can understand the Confederacy and the Civil War if you don't understand slavery." He felt like it was a major omission and apparently so did the Gov. who later issued an apology.

The most striking thing to me were the comments left online by readers of the AP article. The seemingly mostly White comment makers had some frightening beliefs about slavery. People wrote that Africans sold themselves into slavery. They even said that Africans brought other Africans over to the Americas themselves to sell into slavery. These beliefs show a limited understanding of European colonialism/imperialism in Africa. The overall sentiment from these comment makers was that slavery was over, had nothing to do with them, and they wished we could stop talking about it.

It has been my experience that people of all colors could stand to learn more about what went down in slavery. If we stop talking about it now, future generations will have no way to understand how things got to be how they are today. The arguments for not talking about it anymore, remind me of a guy who told his girl he was cheating on her, and after she decided to stay with him he expected her to get over it and never bring it up again.

What happened yesterday always influences today. We cannot blame the victim by saying that Africans enslaved themselves. Slavery is not an issue that can be left totally in the past when America has yet to achieve racial equality. If it was not still relevant and still important to discuss, trust me, Black people wouldn't bring it up. It's not good recreation!

It saddens me that this is even a question. It has also been my experience that Black people are sick of talking about race too. That is something that these comment makers did not consider. If talking about slavery upsets you, how do you think it makes us feel?

J

Thursday, April 8, 2010

" I used to play Kobe. Now I play LeBron!" Kobe v LeBron: The final word


There is a changing of the guard in this world we live and the ripples are hitting the NBA too. The final word is now that LeBron James is King of the NBA. Michael Jordan Heir Apparent. Master of the court.

I say this not to be on LeBron James' jock but to punctuate the end at long last of this argument: Who is better, Kobe or LeBron?

I'm so sick of people talking about this. We only talk about it to fill air space it seems because we get nowhere, but we argue about it over and over again anyway. So here is the final word. Interpretation & Prediction if you will.

Michael Jordan, the undisputed best of all time left a void in the NBA and we've been looking for his successor ever since. Kobe had Mike down. He was so good at imitating Mike (down to the tongue waggin) he was able to come straight out of high school and play successfully in the NBA. However, he fell short of Jordan.

Now there is someone who resembles MJ better. Someone who also came straight out of high school. Someone who dominates the court and is capable of building a franchise. Yeah it's taking him 3 years longer than Kobe to get his first title. But he still can get it at the same time as you guessed it... Jordan (MJ came in the league '84 got his first title '91 - Kobe came in '96 got 3 titles with Shaq from '00 to '02 - LeBron entered in '03 and can get his first in '10).

This year's prediction for the NBA Finals is Cavaliers versus Lakers. Kobe will get to hand the torch to the new MVP and the new keeper of the game, King James. Cavs win it. James is MVP of the year and the finals. And the crown of 'His Airness' finds a head that fits it.

And that's the final word. (Or is it?)

J

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Fired for Facebooking

I think it is interesting that we have constitutional rights that others (including the government) can violate and go without prosecution. How can people get fired for Facebooking?

First, I must say that people who get on Facebook or any other social network and dog their bosses and co-workers are seriously immature and foolish. Indeed they are naive if they believe their posts will go unnoticed. If you have something to say to someone you should say it to their face. However, we are supposed to have freedom of speech that allows you to say what you think in any venue.

Last night a dear friend warned me against posting blogs. Being aware of the many challenges I have faced with people attempting to undermine my goals in the past, he was concerned that someone would take what I write in my blog and use it against me. My response... Fuck that (SMH).

The very thought is repulsive to me. It makes me feel like Cedric the Entertainer in Kings of Comedy like, "I wish a muthafucka would..." I recognize that this is perhaps unrefined, immature, and yes even foolish to say, but if I have one pet peeve it is people who bully and abuse the power given to them. You should use your status to help people not tear them down.

Managers who fire people for what they say on Facebook should face litigation. Police officers who perform illegal searches should lose their jobs. Presidents who make executive orders that allow wire taps of citizens without judicial warrants should be impeached. You get the message? Maybe that will stop these breaches of individual rights. And at the same time, people should not abuse their right to free speech to act aggressively in slander and defamation.

We have taken a seriously wrong turn as a society if well meaning people have to live in fear of persecution for sharing their ideas in a blog. If anyone has any issues with things I write in MY blog, I welcome them to make comments. I will respond. We can discuss it and maybe even come nearer to one another. We can use dialogue to edify one another. Lest we resign our interpersonal interactions to superficial, inept, inert discourse.

The life line today people is to stand up for your rights. Don't be a floor mat. Be assertive! Assertiveness is far from aggression in that there is no intent to harm someone, only to protect yourself and your desires. Assertiveness is akin to self-respect, but it also requires respect for others. If you don't respect yourself, you can't expect anyone else to respect you. Never be afraid to go after what you want. Speak loud and clear, stand up straight, and make eye contact.

J

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Will There Ever Be Another White Male President?


How do you feel about the way we treat one another? Certainly we continue to have problems between groups of people (i.e. racism, sexism, heterosexism and homophobia, classism, etc.), but have we gotten any better? Have we learned enough from our history?

I had a conversation with a good friend yesterday about race. We talked about the incredible fact that our president is half White and half African, and that he identifies himself as a Black man. It is remarkable to me. I never thought it would happen so soon. However I am not surprised that it happened.

I told my friend that I believe the hardships endured by Black people for centuries have caused Black people to evolve into a stronger, brighter, more resilient and capable group of people. If Darwin and evolutionists are correct, then only the strong survive. That is the reason that Black leaders have broken down walls of segregation and achieved success in all areas of American life. I asked him if he thought there would ever be another White male president?

My friend chuckled at the notion that there would not ever be a White man as president again. He suspected that a woman would be next. He suggested Hillary Clinton would win presidency after Obama served two terms. He also said that he thought that since a Black man (in his words the least likely to be elected) had won the presidency, that anyone could win it now. "The door's been blown wide open." he said.

I agreed that it was an unlikely outcome, but not the least likely. I explained that despite the historical strength of hatred toward Blacks in this country, Black people have overcome much and accomplished even more. I suggested that our society has achieved tremendous gains with regard to racism and sexism (though we still have far to go). We have focused less attention as a people to overcoming homophobia, antisemitism, and classism.

In this new millennium, our issues with how we treat one another extend beyond our irrational grievances between groups in American and even beyond our nation's borders. Domestic violence and child abuse/neglect are increasing. Our government is persisting in its militaristic hostility against Islamic people around the world. It seems that as Americans become more individualistic we view others as ever more distant. We understand one another less. We grow indifferent to each other's suffering.

It is in our individual self interests to draw nearer to one another. Starting with your family and friends, work on putting yourself in their shoes and viewing the world as they view it. Living life as they live it. If only for a short while. Then move beyond your inner-circle and immerse yourself in a group that you may view as distinct, different, distant from your own.

Exposure, closeness, and information are our best strategies to heal our social wounds. There is strength in numbers and we face a difficult time now and ahead of us. Our species faces new challenges that threaten us all. We cannot rise to meet these challenges unless we stand together.

May peace be with us all.

J

Monday, April 5, 2010

PSA: Beware of Seed Snatchers


Fellas! Beware of seed snatchers. Have you noticed any desperation in the air lately with these women? Especially the unmarried, unpartnered, childless women circa age 30. As their biological clocks wind down toward menopause and the pressure from family members and friends increases, some women are resorting to a dangerous strategy I call seed snatching.

Many desperate, foolish women are out to intentionally steal men's DNA, our baby batter, father fishies, man milk, jizz, cum, nut, ball butter, sperm and semen from our father fountains. Men, we have often been criticized for gaming women into having sex with us then hitting it and quitting. This to me is a disgusting practice as well (if you saw The Hangover you may understand the underlying meaning there). But seed snatchers have taken it to a whole other level!

Following in the tradition of the Praying Mantis, Black Widow, and the infamous Scorpion these females snatch the males seed then decide that he will be a better meal than a mate. Some human seed snatchers also will kill their mates. Just watch the show Snapped and you will see. But the majority opt for more indirect unscrupulous methods. For example, I know of one seed snatching Scorpio woman who coaxed her man into impregnating her and marrying her under the guise of love everlasting and then once her mission was complete, she tried to set him up to go to federal prison. While he was worrying about a fed case, she made a quick getaway with their child. Another example comes from a female friend of mine who was flirting with the idea of seed snatching. She proposed a strategy of having sex with multiple men in one night so that their would be doubt about paternity and she could go have her baby on her own. Some of these clandestine plots work but many of them do not. So this is a warning to women as well.

First let me say that I know there are women out there who are appalled by this description. Rest assured, I do not intend this to be inclusive of all women. In fact, I am sorry that you fine upstanding women have to even go by the same gender label. However, this message is important for you too. Many of you know some seed snatchers and some seed seekers. If you don't know any, you might need to look in the mirror to find one. Also women, if you have a man you need to know that these women can see that your man is good and they are scheming on a way to get to him.

I have to tell the seed snatching woman that it has been my experience that seed snatchers do not end up getting everything the way they had planned. The ones I know are perpetually dissatisfied and face unrelenting frustration as they try to deal with a baby daddy that has peeped their game. Consider this... Perhaps it is your very desperation that keeps your goal distant.

Men, if you have already been duped, don't let it happen again. Don't let her ongoing schemes become an excuse for not meeting the material and emotional needs of your child. If you have yet to encounter a seed snatcher, just make sure the next time you get down with a woman you wrap it up. But if she's so sweet you can let her lick the wrapper.

I don't want this PSA to fuel mistrust between the genders. There are a lot of upright and trustworthy women and men. But there is a such thing as healthy paranoia. I don't think it is an unrealistic goal to set to say I refuse to have any untimely, unwanted pregnancies in my life. Remember the importance of love and forget about your selfish goals. Be considerate of others needs and feelings, Seed Snatchers. Those of your man and of any potential baby. Wait on God. God is good and good things take time.

J

Sunday, April 4, 2010

The End of Religious Holidays


Has Easter lost its significance? Freedom of religion, as provided by the constitution and universal law, also grants people the freedom from religion. In the last 2 decades there has been so much controversy generated over the celebration of religious holidays.

Today is Easter. For followers of the Christian Faith it is a day to celebrate the Resurrection of Christ. For followers of the Jewish faith, it is Passover, a time to celebrate the Children of Israel fleeing Egypt and the bonds of slavery and witnessing the miraculous splitting of the Red Sea. And for the all kids and kids at heart it is a day for fun, games, and most importantly candy. There is nothing malicious about this or any other religious holiday yet still there is controversy. Why?

The problem as I see it is simply that people have there head up their culos. Here are the main criticisms I've heard:
  • These holidays are stolen from pagan holidays. The word Easter comes from the pagan goddess Eostre and the bunny and eggs symbolized fertility and rebirth to ancient pagan Egyptians, Persians, Hindus, and Phoenicians.
My response... So? Everything that is, always was, and always will be. Nothing is totally original. The motorcycle is based on the horse. The car on the coach. Helicopters on Dragon flies. And email on the telegraph.
  • I don't believe Jesus was the son of God, died for my sins, and was resurrected.
My response... Cool. Believe what you want to believe in. Also believe what is good for you to believe in. I don't like when people look for some incidental element to cling to in order to reject an entire idea. These are usually the same people knocking on wood, crossing their fingers, and avoiding cracks in the pavement anyway. Perhaps religion is very superstitous. That may be very appropriate since so many people are walking around blind.
  • Religious holidays aren't even religious anymore. Everything has been stolen by commercial interests. Easter is more for candy makers than it is for Jesus.
My response... And you care so much about Jesus that you are repulsed by the bunny? Oh come come now. You haven't been to church since your last funeral or wedding. Get off it and enjoy the celebration.

Some of you went to church today. Some gambled in Atlantic City. Some hunted for eggs filled with treats. Some stayed home, ate pizza, and blogged. Whatever you did and regardless of your beliefs, today is significant as all days are. However, this time... spring time... is a time for renewal. A time for life to begin anew. Easter & Passover both celebrate events that changed human history forever.

I hope you take this day as an opportunity to commit to changing something in your life. Happy Easter everybody!

J


Saturday, April 3, 2010

Breaking up is Hard to Do

Is it wrong to leave someone you have been with for years when new and potentially better opportunities present themselves? A friend sought my advice recently on the subject. She was distraught over what to do about her nagging feelings and thoughts regarding leaving her old boyfriend (who doesn't want children and struggles professionally but to whom she is ever attached) for a new guy (who is a long held love interest, wants kids, and has bread).

Sometimes the new opportunities that threaten relationships are actually old flames, sometimes new ones. At times threats are growing passions for career, art, and/or self-exploration. Whatever the seductive situation, the decision making process is similarly filled with strife. It can seem like a choice between your future and your past. The past may be played out but comfortably familiar. And the future is uncertain but tantalizing.

As the options roll around in the person's mind, the centrifugal force can make them sick. Indeed, my friend worried that she was going insane. Difficult emotions take grip: guilt, depression, anxiety, paranoia, frustration, and desire for more than you already have.

The choices are clear but the consequences are not. Either choice will have its pluses and minuses. I advised my friend to empty her mind. Quiet her thoughts. I told her to meditate on her options and to watch for the universe to send her confirmation of her choice in the following days. If a more concrete guide was preferred, she could make lists of pros and cons. However if she cannot clear her mind, she will have a hard time finding success with such a rational approach.

Do you listen to TLC and avoid chasing waterfalls, sticking to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to? Or do you go the way of the Star Trek Enterprise and seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before?

J

Friday, April 2, 2010

Blog primero

Okay blogosphere... I am going to plug into you at long last. To any readers of this my first blog, I hope this is the beginning of a mutually satisfying, enduring relationship.

This blog will be my free expression, the closest I can get to saying what's really on my mind in a published manuscript (next to writing fiction).

Truth be told, I'm a young Black male (YBM) so I have a healthy paranoia that warns me against publishing shit like this. Nay I be shot when I get back to Dallas like Erykah, like Kennedy. Though $500.00 fines are cheaper than a lawyer, I hope she still fights the case. Another acquittal on record like the Oj case. That being said, I am taking a calculated risk. So what. That'll make it more fun.

YBMs are a unique and powerful force. We have taken the world over! Out of the throws of slavery, we have pervaded the system and taken it over! Everything they let us into we took over (i.e. boxing, baseball, soldierin, basketball, football, golf, tennis, and entertainment). And now we have the presidency.

But with great blessings come great responsibility, and every mothafuckin body wants to blame us for all of their problems. That's what happens to the quarterback. The Black woman, our counterpart, and heart... We have a lot to be thankful to you for. It hurts my feelings to watch the way we massacre loving one another. We get married less and divorced more than preceding generations. We think we're White and can't get it Right.

High acculturation is associated with all sorts of negative outcomes for YBMs & Fs. It really takes bicultural self-efficacy to master this game; the American Dream. Bicultural at least. Multicultural at best.

What I want to know from the people here (in the blogosphere) is...

In 2010, are you proud of the Black man? What about him makes you proud? If you are not proud of him, what about him doesn't hold your faith?

J